A Guy Walks Into A Bar
The Drunkard's Wish
A drunk is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees an old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it. Out pops a genie. The genie says, "I will give you three wishes." The man thinks awhile. Finally he points his swaying finger and slurs, "I want a beer that is never empty." The genie waves his hand and poof, on the bar is a bottle of beer. The drunk uses his one open eye to double check that yes, it's a bottle of beer. He starts chugging it and and can't even make a dent. It's still full. The genie asks "What would you like for your next two wishes?" The guy says, "s-h-i-t man! I want two more of these!"
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come near. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck. Get the f-u-c-k away from me."
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A Drunken Thank you note
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband. He's f'in furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck in her butt that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
A man's wife slips into a coma. Months go by and nothing the doctors do can bring her out of it. So, one of the doctors pulls the man aside and says "Listen... feel free to say no, but I don't know if we have any other things to try. Nothing we've done has worked, so here goes. There are studies that have shown that the stimulation involved in oral sex can sometimes bring someone out of a coma. Would you like to try that?"
The man thinks on it for a bit and says "Well, I think it's worth a shot, but my wife was always a private person and she wouldn't want anyone else seeing us in an act like that. I think it would be ok, so long as I was the only one in the room.
The doctors agree and set up the medical monitors in the next room and let the man have time along with his wife. Almost immediately, they see her vital signs changing. They continue to watch, encouraged by the fluctuations on the monitors. Suddenly... everything flatlines.
The doctors rush in and start performing CPR. One of the doctors asks the man what happened and he says "Well, I'm no doctor, but I'd guess she choked!"
There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have a problem with s-h-i-t sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit goes, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
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The Face Lift
This woman goes in for a face-lift, and the doctor says, "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it and it tightens up your skin." She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years. But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor. "I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains. The surgeon replies, "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts." "Ah," she sighs, "that explains the goatee."
I love this one;
And in case you don't get it, scroll down for the referencing joke.
There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.
So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'
'OK,' says the guy.
He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'
The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.
He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'
The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'
An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman walk into a pub. The Englishman orders a Fuller's porter, the Irishman orders a Guinness & the Scotsman orders a McEwan's scotch ale. The bartender brings the 3 pints & the Englishman says "I can't drink this, there's a fly in my porter." The bartender goes to draw a fresh pint. The Irishman looks at his pint and sees a fly floating in it. He picks the fly out with his fingers, drops it on the floor & proceeds to have long pull off his pint. The Scotsman looks at his pint, sees a fly & quickly grabs it by the wings, pulls it out of the beer, holds it over the glass & starts tapping it on the back shouting "Spit it out! spit it out!"
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
The pirate replies "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts"
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself. The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said." She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Sh!t!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
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A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
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The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Two drunks come out of a bar and see a dog licking his balls. One drunk says to the other, "I wish I could do that." The other drunk says, "I think I would pet him first.".
How can you tell who loves you more, your wife or your dog?
Lock them both in your trunk for an hour and see what happens when you let them out.
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