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05-11-2007, 09:17 PM
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#1
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Feedback Score: 0 reviews
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Maryland 'burbs of Washington, D.C.
Posts: 2,364
Liked 12 Times on 9 Posts
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For Dog and Cat Lovers
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Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .
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05-11-2007, 09:20 PM
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#2
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Feedback Score: 0 reviews
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Plainfield, IL
Posts: 4,595
Liked 13 Times on 11 Posts
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That's pretty funny
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On Tap: Whatever I just brewed (got sick of updating it)
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05-11-2007, 09:33 PM
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#3
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Feedback Score: 0 reviews
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Castleton NY
Posts: 1,205
Liked 1 Times on 1 Posts
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That is my dog and cat to a tee. Except the cat actually did manage to trip me down the stairs on morning.
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It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, then to speak and remove all doubt.
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05-11-2007, 10:59 PM
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#4
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Feedback Score: 0 reviews
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Willamina & Oak Grove, Oregon, USA
Posts: 25,616
Liked 108 Times on 103 Posts
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I find it very difficult to believe a cat would bother to maintain a diary, too much like work.
__________________
Remember one unassailable statistic, as explained by the late, great George Carlin: "Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!"
"I would like to die on Mars, just not on impact." Elon Musk
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05-12-2007, 04:24 AM
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#5
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Feedback Score: 0 reviews
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,332
Liked 7 Times on 4 Posts
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This is why I wish that I could shoot my neibors cat. but he is a cop and I am sure that his wife would be a little upset about it. so to keep from ending up in jail i live with it for now.
does anyone know how to keep a cat out of a flower garden?
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"Yes, I am a pirate two hundred years too late. The cannons don't thunder there's nothin' to plunder,
I'm an [under] forty victim of fate, Arriving too late, arriving too late."
-Jimmy Buffet
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05-12-2007, 04:41 AM
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#6
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[]-O-[]
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Posts: 13,509
Liked 98 Times on 86 Posts
Likes Given: 12
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anti-freeze
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05-12-2007, 06:05 AM
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#7
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Feedback Score: 0 reviews
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pistol Wavin' New Haven, for now...
Posts: 3,155
Liked 19 Times on 15 Posts
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It seems so obvious now... why else, out of everywhere to puke, did my cat puke on my bed? Out of spite and contempt!! And to think, I rescued the little ingrate from a dumpster...
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Knucklehead Brewery, Est. 2007
Always do sober what you do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -Ernest Hemingway
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05-12-2007, 11:41 AM
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#8
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Will work for beer
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Knob Noster, Missouri
Posts: 8,839
Liked 21 Times on 18 Posts
Likes Given: 1
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by olllllo
anti-freeze
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__________________
On Tap: Lake Walk Pale Ale -- Eternity (Raspberry Stout) -- Nutrocker -- Donnybrook Dark
Primary: Lake Walk Pale Ale
Secondary: Summit IPA
Up Next: Smoked Porter -- Pub Ale -- Watermelon Wheat
Planning:
Gone But Not Forgotten:
www.IronOrrBrewery.com
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05-12-2007, 12:49 PM
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#9
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Frau Administrator
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Upper Michigan
Posts: 51,740
Liked 1972 Times on 1513 Posts
Likes Given: 89
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As a pet owner, I laughed out loud at this. Thanks!
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Broken Leg Brewery
Giving beer a leg to stand on since 2006
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