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Old 03-13-2007, 01:59 PM   #1
Cheesefood
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Default You're no longer a n00b when...

Just a little something I thought we could do to poke fun at our own n00biness. Kind of the opposite of my Bad Techniques thread.

You're no longer a n00b when...

You're no longer a Noob when...

  1. You make really good beer
  2. You know yeast strains by number
  3. You know the pros and cons of different wort chillers
  4. You've had the bleach argument, but decide to use it anyway (in a pinch)
  5. You bore your friends to death discussing styles and ingredients
  6. You come to grips with the reality of brewing: you'll never have a perfect brew session, but you'll still make great beer.
  7. You open the first bottle after 3 weeks, not the last one.
  8. It takes you five minutes to completely disassemble, clean and reassemble a corny where before it took you that long to figure out how to remove the lid.
  9. You no longer suck on the hose to rack to the secondary.
  10. You have two brew sessions in a row without a boil-over.
  11. You have more yeast containers in your fridge than condiments.
  12. You go to a bar with your spouse and refuse to order anything on tap unless it's not a lager, and fully discuss the differences before ordering. (Happened last night in Ft. Lauderdale)
  13. It takes an entire 6x8 Uhaul trailer and the whole bed of your truck to move your brewery to your new house.
  14. Go to a bar and walk out because all they serve is Coors light, Bud light, Miller Lite, and Corona.
  15. You read Kai's posts and actually understand 50% of what he's saying.
  16. You know what Brew Pastor looks like and how many cars he can fit in his garage.
  17. You've had a lengthy argument with the staff at Steak and Ale, due to the fact that they have no Ales on their menu.
  18. Place both restaurants and bars on self written yet enforced "banned list" after they:
    a.)Serve you beer in a 0.4 litre glass claiming it is a pint or use the term glass and pint interchangeably and charge the pint price.
    b.)Serve you beer in the improper beer glass ie. Hefeweizen in a English pint glass or Pils in the same.
    c.)Serve beer at the incorrect temperature ie. ultra cold Stout or warm Lager.
    d.)When asked for list of served ales name lagers by their full name ie "Granville Island Lager".
    e.)Commit any other conceivable beer atrocity and/or crime against Beer Drinking Humanity.(This may be combined with point #14)
  19. You stop asking "is my beer ruined" every time something unexpected happens.
  20. You taste your beer and go 'Damn, I made that'. You're no longer a newb as you expect it however you're still amazed..
  21. Nothing is unexpected.
  22. It's taken for granted you're an EAC.
  23. You know why it's bad to use a Kilo of sugar.
  24. You know how to brew AG in less than 8 hours.
  25. You know why an EAC gets pissed at did I kill my beer questions.
  26. You'll sit in a pub without a drink because they only sell swill.
  27. You defend what CAMRA do.
  28. You get excited at the sight of a beer engine.
  29. You drag visitors to look at the yeasty beasties fermenting.
  30. You stop getting excited over blow offs.
  31. You know that nothing ordinary can kill your beer.
  32. You don't give a second thought to hot side aeration.
  33. You've made more mistakes than a noob can think of.
  34. You already know if glass or plastic is better or you don't care.
  35. You've seen the Aluminium vs. Stainless steel question 1942 times.
  36. You have come to HATE windmills and the Hoff.
  37. You read all of howtobrew.com and it makes sense.
  38. You know why a hydrometer helps
  39. having enough experience to realize: All this gear doesn't brew great beer -- I do!
  40. You actually understand all items 1 - 39.
  41. You know what the calculations are.
  42. You know how to do the calculations.
  43. You know you don't need to do the calculations.
  44. You think you're still a n00b but people start asking you questions.
  45. You haven't used a hydrometer in the last 25 batches and you still make damn good beer
  46. When you can brew an AG batch in your sleep or while playing world of warcraft.
  47. When you give up caring about "Styles" and just brew the damn beer.
  48. When you see a headline "AG Admits Mistakes" and are confused when it's about Alberto Gonzales!
  49. You find, much to your surprise, that you have enough beer on hand.
  50. Spending more money on beer equipment in one day than most people would spend on buying beer from major brewers in one year.
  51. By "six-pack", you mean carboys.
  52. You visit a brew pub that brags about their "in house" brews, and find that your brews taste so much better!
  53. When you have made multiple batches of Eds Apfelwein because you have empty carboys
  54. You can't remember the last weekend that you did not brew
  55. When your wife has given up hoping you will stop this obsession and starts drinking your be
  56. When you are excited about using Wyeast VSS
  57. When you can leave it in the carboy for an extra week and not even think of asking the question "Should I?"
  58. When you pick up some good microbrew, but find all the flaws from handeling since it left the brewery
  59. When you pick up some good microbrew, but you're reminded of how great your latest homebrew is
  60. When you see the number 56 in this post or 1,056 as in the number of posts currently in Ed's Apfelwein post, you automatically think of the yeast strain.
  61. When you brew clones and do blind taste tests with SWMBO and your brew wins.
  62. When you do your time as a MOD on HBT.
  63. you're no longer a n00b right after you and your friends choke down that last bottle of your first over carb'd cidery tasting swill-brew and already have another batch on your mind or going into the primary to correct all of the issues/mistakes/ingredients....too late, you have joined the dark side.
  64. when you realize that no matter how much you know and have brewed, you'll never know it all.
  65. When you look at your carboy, and see some white mouldy-stuff on top of your lager....and then think "its an aerobic organism...so I could bottle it now and kill the beasties".....and have the best beer you ever made.
  66. At the sight of an empty carboy, 12 different ideas for the next batch pop up in your head.
  67. You always are relaxing, not worrying, and drinking a homebrew!
  68. You're in no way worried about prohibition ever happening again because you've got about 40 gallons of booze on hand.
  69. You have all the skills and equipment necessary to have a HIGHLY profitable side business should Prohibition ever happen again.
  70. You visit a brewery and think "That's how I make my beer"
  71. After tasting a dozen different batches, SWMBO finally tastes one that she doesn't immediately dismiss as just "tasting like beer" and actually indicates that she would drink it.
  72. You start noticing that the guys that own the LHBS don't know as much as you do about certain aspects of brewing.
  73. When your SWMBO, who's a bit of a wine snob, tastes your brew and says she likes it.
  74. You show your brewery off to visitors and can answer any question they have about brewing.
  75. You're recruited to help pick out a "starter kit" and the price keeps going up because you know how much better it can be.
  76. Your magnetic stir plate has it's own place on the counter between the coffee pot and toaster
  77. You're use to cleaning Kreusen off of the ceiling, walls, and various other places
  78. You see your recipes in other brewers signatures
  79. You stop worrying about what other people like and brew what you like.
  80. You realize that Grolsch is not that great and the only reason Grolsch sells is for the swing tops.
  81. Your family refers to your fridge in the laundry room as Daddy's Beer Fridge, and ask permission before they put anything in it.
  82. You make the same recipe (or essentially the same recipe) more than once.
  83. When you see an Aluminium vs. Stainless steel or Glass vs. Plastic question you think "Here we go again"
  84. You have to use your Tetris skills in order to properly and efficiently store the ridiculous quantities of beer you've built up.
  85. You realise that when someone asks "I am an AG noob, what's better, batch or fly sparge" you groan, roll over and wait for the 3,000 post thread to be over
  86. You do a word relation test, and everything they say has something to do with beer
    eg "car - boy"
    "door - tap"
    "tap - beer"
  87. You stop caring what ABV your beer is, because you know you can put away at least a 6er of 8abv beers before you 'feel' anything, and just care about the taste
  88. You build a curtain inside of your brew closet to keep any and ALL light away from your bottles, no matter the bottle color.
  89. You go down the baby food aisle and pick up 5 or 6 jars of mashed beats, just so you have some containers for the yeast you're harvesting this weekend.
  90. People complement your bad batches of beer.
  91. You don't worry about having enough bottled water in the event of a disaster because you have 2 months worth of beer in the basement.
  92. You buy clothes for your carboys.
  93. you have more refrigerators for beer than you do food.
  94. you don't have Central AC but you beer room does.
  95. you have hugged a fermenter.
  96. you worry about channelling when you sparge your coffee.
  97. you are the designated driver because they only have BMC.
  98. You reply to a thread titled "I Never Get Head" and your response doesn't end up in the gutter.
  99. You decide God wants you to start a brewery.
  100. You can come up with 100 reasons why you're not a noob.
  101. You now bitch twice as much about not getting head.

Well done all.


Keep them coming.
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Old 03-17-2007, 09:27 PM   #2
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102. When your LHBS starts asking you questions about brewing their recipes.
103. When your friends replace "What's going on?" with "What's brewing?" when you first see them.
104. When the garage starts looking like a chemical plant.

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Old 03-19-2007, 04:01 AM   #3
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105. When you build your own kegerator 'cause you're that hardcore

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Old 03-19-2007, 05:08 AM   #4
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Quote:
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When you build your own kegerator 'cause you're that hardcore
106. When you build your own Walk in Cooler 'cause you're that hardcore!
107. When your wife finally realizes that when the UPS truck pulls up in front of your house, it will never be a suprise birthday/anniversary/Christmas gift for her.


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Old 03-19-2007, 01:25 PM   #5
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108. You run out to Home Depot to buy a toilet repair kit. You come back with a ball valve, new metal cutting blades, a new hose for your chiller, various brass / stainess steel fittings. (Note the lack of a toilet repair kit.)

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Old 03-21-2007, 03:27 AM   #6
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109. The guys at the LBHS know the names of your children.

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Old 03-21-2007, 03:30 AM   #7
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110. Your neighbors quit calling the cops because they no longer think you're brewing meth...

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Old 03-30-2007, 07:10 PM   #8
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The local Jehovah Witnesses by-pass your house when you've got the brew pot going in the garage.

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Old 03-30-2007, 09:56 PM   #9
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110. Your neighbors quit calling the cops because they no longer think you're brewing meth...
111. they start calling cause it smells like your growing weed
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Old 04-10-2007, 10:19 AM   #10
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112. you walk through any store thinking "yeah, i could use that for brewin"

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grains in pounds(G) X 36(average points per gallon of grains) / batch size in gallons(g) = maximum efficiency(ME)
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