Looks great! Commercial stouts that i enjoy and have chocolate notes on my palate tend to be sweeter and a little bigger bodied. So, three thoughts:
1. You don't mention yeast - a lesser attenuating variety will leave a little more sugar and accentuate the chocolate. Go to the White Labs site and it will give you the lowdown on all the varities. For example, you might consider WLP002 (english ale) instead of WLP004 (Irish ale) or WLP005 (British ale).
2. Use another pound of a lighter crystal malt, just for body.
3. Add a little lactose
I think your recipe looks great as is - you just need to pick the right yeast for what you want! Good luck!