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Old 08-31-2009, 04:53 AM   #21
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More Steven Wright gems:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

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Old 08-31-2009, 04:55 AM   #22
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And more:

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

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Old 08-31-2009, 05:21 AM   #23
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My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.


I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest

One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control

I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!

- The late great Rodney Dangerfield

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I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
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Old 08-31-2009, 08:24 PM   #24
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Wanna get your wife to scream during sex, wipe your d$%k on the drapes.

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"Life is too short to drink cheap beer."

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Old 08-31-2009, 09:32 PM   #25
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A ham roll and a pastrami on rye walk into a bar, barman says, "sorry we don't serve sandwiches"

The dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.

The dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to santa.

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Old 09-01-2009, 03:20 AM   #26
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You know your drunk when you have to hold onto the ground to keep the world from spinning.

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Old 09-01-2009, 03:27 AM   #27
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A baby seal walks into a club.....


Thank you , I am here all week...

Tim

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For Sale: Electric Kettle Control

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Old 09-01-2009, 06:06 AM   #28
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Smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips

A woman's panties are not the greatest thing in the world, they are the next thing to it.

If you try to fail, and succeed.... which one have you done?

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Hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here! - The Dude

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

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Old 09-01-2009, 12:41 PM   #29
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What goes Peck, Peck, KABOOM!






A chicken in a minefield!

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Old 09-02-2009, 04:53 AM   #30
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You go to a restaurant and the waitress only has one leg, whats her name? Ilean

What restaurant are you at? IHOP

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