Need advice on my wife.

A tad background:

Friday, I got really sick. Saturday, worse. Sunday, a little better. Monday, I missed work. A little funny feeling and kind of weak from being sick, but I have pretty decent mental clarity atm.

Yesterday, we went to pick up dinner. On the drive, we talked about watching walking dead. Great show. So a bit after I told her jokingly "Ya know, if zombies attacked, we would have to fight our way to a homebrew shop and get lots of supples. You get to watch for Zombies while I knock a few back, not a whole lot else to do in those times." I was joking obviously, I wouldn't leave her in charge of saving us from zombies. I don't want to be eaten.

So a minute later she says something serious. She asks me why I drink all the time. I asked her if she wanted an honest answer, she said yes. I told her it relaxes me, stops my muscle spasms, and makes me feel happy and glowy inside. Then she basically says I drink too much. She says she doesn't like going on cruises with me because I sit at the bar too much. We have been on a total of 2 cruises. The first one she layed in bed the whole time sea sick, and the second one I only drank one day. I might of had drinks on the other, but I had enough to feel happy that day. I didn't act bad or do anything obnoxious.

So I ask her if she means when I get drink til I don't want more. Not falling down, just drunk and ready to go to bed. I don't fall down, I might laugh a lot. I am a big guy, and 10 beers makes me feel decent and is usually where I stop unless I am drinking to forget something. I don't get angry, I don't yell, I have never even acted like I was gonna hit her. I don't think I have ever even yelled at her. She tells me that any time I drink, not just when I am drunk. We have been married for 5+ years and together longer.

When we got married, I made 20 gallons of beer and cider for the wedding. I was right at the point where I was full blown homebrewing and had 20+ corny kegs and an entire garage of brewing equipment. So it isn't like I just dropped out of the closet and turned into a lush.

I did have a few beers(6 probably total) at a party 2 weeks ago which she didn't want to go to, and I stopped drinking long before I left. I didn't get drunk and I was sober when I got home.

I mostly drink at home while watching TV or reading.

I have been stewing about this all morning and I am really considering telling her to kiss my ass when she gets home but I know that isn't the right thing and like with most issues in a marriage there is two sides. I do need to respond to her on the subject and it isn't likely I will give up drinking.

She didn't tell me I had to stop, she just said she didn't like it. We aren't aggressive people and we don't fight so she probably meant she wants me to stop drinking.

Currently, my response in my head is: "I haven't increased my drinking since we got married, I don't go out and cause problems. I haven't changed, and I am not going to. If you can't accept me as I am, then you married the wrong person."

Do any of you have some advice? I don't want to tell her to go to hell, but I really don't like being jacked with.

I think you should stand your ground. It won't get you any brownie points but sounds like she was well aware of what she was getting into when you married her. Your relationship sounds much like me and my wife to be.

My woman doesn't mind me drinking often, because I don't get drunk often. As long as I don't leave a huge brewing mess, or empty the bank account she doesn't really mind what I do.

If she doesn't like it, you're not going to talk her into liking it. All your debate points are wasted here.

If you want to keep the peace, and stay together, consider a compromise. That's how relationships work. Maybe you stop drinking during the week or something. Or promise to limit it. Even a little comprimise is better than none.

Or, stand your ground, be a big guy, and watch your marriage crumble like the other 50%. Marriage vs. Beer: you decide.

Financially, we do good. (mostly due to me haha) I don't usually drink more than once a week and usually I only drink a 6 pack. I don't drink EVERY week. I wasn't planning on caving in at any point. I like drinking, and I am not inclined to stop. However, I am trying to soften my presentation.

RealFloopyGuy said:

Financially, we do good. (mostly due to me haha) I don't usually drink more than once a week and usually I only drink a 6 pack. I don't drink EVERY week. I wasn't planning on caving in at any point. I like drinking, and I am not inclined to stop. However, I am trying to soften my presentation.

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Well, that is something entirely different. You might be one of the lightest drinkers on this board.

I take back what I said before. I'd still compromise in some way to appease her, but maybe she's mad about something else.

^ That

Plus, there's a good chance she's at least partially right. You didn't say how often you drink, but mentioned up to 10 beers. That's a lot of alcohol and calories and you already said you're a big guy. That puts you at much higher risk of diabetes, high blood pressure, heart attack and stroke. Only you know how much you really drink and if you think it's unreasonable. At one point I was drinking on average three beers a night, every day. I felt that was unreasonable and have decreased my intake.

Marriage is all about co-existing with another person, which means compromise.

Edit: You posted while I was posting this. I personally wouldn't drink a 6 pack in a sitting, but yeah six beers a week isn't much of a concern.

passedpawn said:

If she doesn't like it, you're not going to talk her into liking it. All your debate points are wasted here.

If you want to keep the peace, and stay together, consider a compromise. That's how relationships work. Maybe you stop drinking during the week or something. Or promise to limit it. Even a little comprimise is better than none.

Or, stand your ground, be a big guy, and watch your marriage crumble like the other 50%. Marriage vs. Beer: you decide.

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I don't drink during the week. Usually it is Friday afternoon or on the weekend.

If she makes me choose, I guess I won't be married anymore. I don't want to lose my wife, but keeping the peace would be setting the precedent for me give in every time something comes up. I don't want to be France, licking boots isn't my idea of fun.

passedpawn said:

Well, that is something entirely different. You might be one of the lightest drinkers on this board.

I take back what I said before.

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lol

Did you drink before you got married? She can't expect to change you. Don't let alcohol control your life and make her some wine. Don't ask her if she wants you to, just make it......if she drinks at all.....soon she'll be bragging to her friends rather than complaining. Good luck. I drink to relax, just don't relax too much. And never start drinking in a bad mood!

Jukas said:

^ That

Plus, there's a good chance she's at least partially right. You didn't say how often you drink, but mentioned up to 10 beers. That's a lot of alcohol and calories and you already said you're a big guy. That puts you at much higher risk of diabetes, high blood pressure, heart attack and stroke. Only you know how much you really drink and if you think it's unreasonable. At one point I was drinking on average three beers a night, every day. I felt that was unreasonable and have decreased my intake.

Marriage is all about co-existing with another person, which means compromise.

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I probably average 5 beers a week. Granted, there are weeks I would agree I probably drink too much. When I went to the World Beer Festival last year for instance. I know about the potential health problems, but that isn't what her issue is. She drinks more mountain dew than I do beer, and that isn't her concern.

Go on a 2 week bender and she'll then be happy you only drink a few on the weekend....

RealFloopyGuy said:

I probably average 5 beers a week. Granted, there are weeks I would agree I probably drink too much. When I went to the World Beer Festival last year for instance. I know about the potential health problems, but that isn't what her issue is. She drinks more mountain dew than I do beer, and that isn't her concern.

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On those weeks you say you drink too much, why did you drink that much? If I were to bet, there is something else going on here...its only only about the drinking.

reinstone said:

Did you drink before you got married? She can't expect to change you. Don't let alcohol control your life and make her some wine. Don't ask her if she wants you to, just make it......if she drinks at all.....soon she'll be bragging to her friends rather than complaining. Good luck. I drink to relax, just don't relax too much. And never start drinking in a bad mood!

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I definitely drank when we got married. When we got married I was probably making 10-20 gallons of beer a month. She had her first drink with me, actually.

I made her cider with peaches for the wedding, and she loved it. However, if I make 5 gallons of cider she will only drink a couple over the course of a year at most. She usually drinks one and then falls asleep.

If I am in a bad mood and I drink, I am happy 3-4 beers in and ready to watch something that makes me laugh. I don't get angry and jump up and down or anything. If I am mad, I just get quiet. Every once in a while something will get me to the point where I am ready to blow up - every year or so maybe. I have a collection of records, and I go sit in my gun room and listen to records and have a beer. Sometimes I will watch a war movie or something instead. I don't want company when I am like that though, and I don't spend time around her when I feel that way. That is why we have our own extra room for our hobbies and alone time.

I'm not sure what this has to do with your question about marriage, but for what its worth, I'm struck by what you said about how much you drink - in one post you said 10 beers and in another a six pack at a time. I don't remember the last time I had more than four beers (full bottles or pints) in one sitting, and that's rare. If my spouse drank 6-10 beers in a sitting, I might also be concerned.

In any case, best wishes, thought and prayers for you as you work through this with your spouse. Rough patches happen to all of us - you are not alone.

RealFloopyGuy said:

If she makes me choose, I guess I won't be married anymore.

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!!! Really? You would choose beer over your wife?

RealFloopyGuy said:

I don't want to lose my wife, but keeping the peace would be setting the precedent for me give in every time something comes up. I don't want to be France, licking boots isn't my idea of fun.

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No, you would be setting precedent that you value your wife more than beer. It's not caving dude, it's showing your wife that you love her.

Grow up and be a man and talk to her about it. See what's bothering her and LISTEN. I'd be willing to bet it's not the beer.


I'll also add that if your reason for drinking is for the effects of the alcohol, I'd think carefully about why that's the case.

I'd ask her why she doesn't like it when you drink, If this was asked before I don't think you mentioned it. Like you said you don't get angry, you don't hit her, you don't get falling down, pissing your pants drunk. Her motivation would have a lot to do with a response. You said she didn't drink before you met her, there may be a reason why. Was her Dad a drunk? Is it religous, or is she worried about your health? Maybe she wants to have kids and thinks your drinking will effect the sperm? Have a civil conversation and get to the bottom of it, because she has to have a reason.
In my opinion you don't have enough information right now to respond with a yes or no. I agree you shouldn't have to totally cut out drinking, but if she has a good reason that is not simply her being a female dog, I think you should consider a compromise.

What passedpawn said. She cares about you, that is a good thing after 5 years of marriage.

10 beers is a LOT in one sitting, no matter how big you are.

Tolerance can have more to do with your buzz than your size.

Your wife had her very first alcoholic drink with you? Sounds like she may have come from a non drinking background, or maybe someone in her family or past had a serious alcohol problem. I think she is afraid for your health, or that you'll end up drinking uncontrollably. You need to find out exactly what is bothering her about it.

There may also be something entirely different that she doesn't want to address, and only chose alcohol because it's easier for her to disagree with you about. Non confrontational discussion is needed. "Be curious, not furious".

After 40+ years of marriage to the same woman, I well know that it will only get worse if you don't get to the bottom of it. If she never complained before, something must have changed. Maybe something else is the real problem - some aspect of your drinking, or how she feels about. Anyway, good communication either keeps a good marriage going, or exposes the real problems of a troubled marriage. Try to keep it civil, honest and open. Hopefully you can find a way to work it out.

I would ask her what she means by too much. I love beer, but it would be too hard for me to find another women who puts up with my crap. She has been stewing over this for awhile if she is bringing up your drinking on the cruises.
She probably doesnt want you to quit your affair with the other women, but a compromise must be made.
Thats why swmbo gets the name.
I have been married about 5 years and i hope my 2 cents helps.
Good luck dude bro

broadbill said:

On those weeks you say you drink too much, why did you drink that much? If I were to bet, there is something else going on here...its only only about the drinking.

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I'm not going to lie and say I don't have my problems and that I don't occasionally drink to relieve tension inside of me. It isn't problems with my marriage or anything like that. We don't fight, I hold her almost every day and pet her, tell her I love her. We talk constantly. I am not emotionally distant or cold to her and if I get annoyed at her, I get over it pretty quickly. When I am angry with something in my life, it doesn't generally show outside though, as I tend to watch movies or read when I do that. I don't like talking about issues that only involve my response to something and prefer to deal with it myself, and other times I just want to get goofy and stop thinking about it. I doubt there is anyone who doesn't do that occasionally.

I usually only buy a 6 pack at a time or a couple 375ml bottles or whatnot when I decide to buy beer and I have only brewed 2 5 gallon batches in the last year - one of them is still in the carboy.

I asked her if getting drunk was what she meant, and she said no. She said all the time. She did not give me an ultimatum or tell me to stop drinking. It could be something else is bothering her. I guess Ill find out this evening.

Leave her! It's obvious in her responses that she's sleeping with your brother.

What?

GilaMinumBeer said:

Leave her! It's obvious in her responses that she's sleeping with your brother.

What?

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That skank! lol.

I hear what you are saying floopy, but between the lines tells a different story. Reading or watching movies and/or drinking equals NOT dealing with problems and allowing them to compound in your subconcious.

However romantic the idea, drinking is NOT an effective way of dealing with stress or problems. It merely puts them off for later or actually makes them worse.

If something REALLY bad happens, I know to NOT drink. Otherwise the problem does not get processed by your brain and can manifest itself in other ways.

This is a tough one. I would never want to give up a hobby that I love to do, but to lose the woman would be 10x worse.

The best thing to do is sit down with her and discuss it like 2 rational adults. Go into it with an open mind and do not get defensive. As soon as you become defensive, the communication will break down and it will be even harder to discuss next time.

Also remember that she wouldn't have said anything if she wasn't worried about you. It takes a lot to confront someone where you are pointing out a possible problem with the other person. She said it for a reason. Find out why and go from there.

Good luck, man

She isn't a conniving or controlling person. I think she might focus her life on me too thoroughly and relies on me for her happiness too much. There probably is something else going on, and likely I am just feeling cranky from being laid up sick for the last 3-4 days. I am going to find out what the deal is tonight.

As far as 6 beers being too much... really? 6 beers isn't an acceptable friday afternoon after work special? I think I quantified the 10 beer statement with it being relatively rare and the 6 beer being the normal upper limit of my drinking. How often do all of you drink 6 beers in an evening?

My grandpa gave me some advice about being married..."you can either be happy, or you can be right, but you can't be both." Given that,..you have to ask the right questions.

My wife had similar comments regarding my drinking and what it came down to was the question, "what is an acceptable consumption level?" We agreed that a glass of wine or beer with dinner was fine (she now joins me),...and that for special events, parties, or games, I can increase how much I drink. But let me be very clear,...when she tells me I've had enough,..I don't drink another drop. Hey,...no one said being married was going to be easy!

Our relationship is great...and a little compromise has led to weight loss,...a lot more respect, and I still get to brew and enjoy.

cheezydemon3 said:

I hear what you are saying floopy, but between the lines tells a different story. Reading or watching movies and/or drinking equals NOT dealing with problems and allowing them to compound in your subconcious.

However romantic the idea, drinking is NOT an effective way of dealing with stress or problems. It merely puts them off for later or actually makes them worse.

If something REALLY bad happens, I know to NOT drink. Otherwise the problem does not get processed by your brain and can manifest itself in other ways.

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Everyone isn't the same, and my use of alcohol in those instances is generally to loosen up my grip on myself enough to actually go ahead and let whatever happened upset me. I hold a lot of things in, but I must say that isn't what this is about. I haven't had an instance like that in well over and a year. Also, those issues rarely have anything to do with her and usually revolve around work or things I can't control.

PJoyce85 said:

This is a tough one. I would never want to give up a hobby that I love to do, but to lose the woman would be 10x worse.

The best thing to do is sit down with her and discuss it like 2 rational adults. Go into it with an open mind and do not get defensive. As soon as you become defensive, the communication will break down and it will be even harder to discuss next time.

Also remember that she wouldn't have said anything if she wasn't worried about you. It takes a lot to confront someone where you are pointing out a possible problem with the other person. She said it for a reason. Find out why and go from there.

Good luck, man

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It isn't about beer so much as it is being messed with. I could just be blowing it out of proportion and I knew that. That is why I am here getting my mind right with it before I talk to her.

Thanks, luck is always handy.

Have a kid with her. It'll solve all your problems.

As a guy who knows he drinks too much and is trying to find a happy medium, I will say that unless the loved one talking is being a tee-totaller or nag over an objectively tiny amount of beer/booze, it is most likely worthwhile to least hear them out.

As a guy who has been in the same relationship for 6 years (even if he has been married less than a year) and has the experience of contributing to the botching of many others I have some things to mention.

If she was seasick and you went to the bar, I could see that building up some resentment on her part. I'm not saying you did that, but its plausible with the limited information offered. It would tell someone (even one of us!) that you would prefer to go drinking than staying with your sick spouse and making sure she doesnt pull a Hendrix. Trust me, seasickness is not a touch of the belly flu... last time I converted to christianity for just long enough to reach out to a deity who might take pity on me and off me.

Do you spend more time making/drinking beer than you do with her? Once you have calmed down, might I suggest surprising her with a night out (if you can afford it) out of the blue? I know this might seem counterintuitive, but if she came home to flowers and "I hate when we argue, I love you" you might find out that this had nothing to do with drinking at all.

It might be easy and effective to just say "I hear you. I didn't realize you thought it was a problem, and while I think I am alright I will make an effort to cut back for you and my own health."

I'm really surprised at your choice of the word "caving." What you are saying is similar to "I have heard your concerns and frankly... I dont care... my autonomy is more important than our relationship"

**** "Kiss my ass." There are two times ONLY when this is ok. One is if you are both into BDSM (insert laugh track) and the other is when you are carrying the last box of your crap to the UHAUL. It's an amazingly bad idea to say that tonight. Dude, I just imagined myself saying that to my wife and I almost had a panic attack. *****

RealFloopyGuy said:

I could just be blowing it out of proportion and I knew that. That is why I am here getting my mind right with it before I talk to her.

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Smart man. There are a lot of sensible people on here and it sounds like you're on the right track.

ghosthef said:

My grandpa gave me some advice about being married..."you can either be happy, or you can be right, but you can't be both." Given that,..you have to ask the right questions.

My wife had similar comments regarding my drinking and what it came down to was the question, "what is an acceptable consumption level?" We agreed that a glass of wine or beer with dinner was fine (she now joins me),...and that for special events, parties, or games, I can increase how much I drink. But let me be very clear,...when she tells me I've had enough,..I don't drink another drop. Hey,...no one said being married was going to be easy!

Our relationship is great...and a little compromise has led to weight loss,...a lot more respect, and I still get to brew and enjoy.

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I kind of asked about consumption level when we were driving and she basically said all drinking. I do drink 1 beer sometimes, or share a beer with the food I am cooking. She wasn't telling me I couldn't though. Do you control her on things that way too? I have never told her she can't do something and don't think I ever would. The very idea of telling someone not to do something unless they were intentionally bothering me with it seems pretty control freakish.

paulster2626 said:

Have a kid with her. It'll solve all your problems.

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I have been considering it, that is probably why this bothers me so much.

okiedog said:

Anyway, good communication either keeps a good marriage going, or exposes the real problems of a troubled marriage. Try to keep it civil, honest and open.

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I've been married 20 (+7 dating, yep I count it).
This man speaks wisdom. Listen.

paulster2626 said:

Have a kid with her. It'll solve all your problems.

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Are you ****ing nuts?

Don't listen to paulster, he's Canadian.

And that brings up another interesting point. If she is going into mama-bear mode and making sure, before she has your kid(s) that you are mentally and physically up to the task of being a father, something like how much you drink is going to come into the conversation. Have you had a series of conversations on parenthood?

CreamyGoodness said:

As a guy who knows he drinks too much and is trying to find a happy medium, I will say that unless the loved one talking is being a tee-totaller or nag over an objectively tiny amount of beer/booze, it is most likely worthwhile to least hear them out.

As a guy who has been in the same relationship for 6 years (even if he has been married less than a year) and has the experience of contributing to the botching of many others I have some things to mention.

If she was seasick and you went to the bar, I could see that building up some resentment on her part. I'm not saying you did that, but its plausible with the limited information offered. It would tell someone (even one of us!) that you would prefer to go drinking than staying with your sick spouse and making sure she doesnt pull a Hendrix. Trust me, seasickness is not a touch of the belly flu... last time I converted to christianity for just long enough to reach out to a deity who might take pity on me and off me.

Do you spend more time making/drinking beer than you do with her? Once you have calmed down, might I suggest surprising her with a night out (if you can afford it) out of the blue? I know this might seem counterintuitive, but if she came home to flowers and "I hate when we argue, I love you" you might find out that this had nothing to do with drinking at all.

It might be easy and effective to just say "I hear you. I didn't realize you thought it was a problem, and while I think I am alright I will make an effort to cut back for you and my own health."

I'm really surprised at your choice of the word "caving." What you are saying is similar to "I have heard your concerns and frankly... I dont care... my autonomy is more important than our relationship"

**** "Kiss my ass." There are two times ONLY when this is ok. One is if you are both into BDSM (insert laugh track) and the other is when you are carrying the last box of your crap to the UHAUL. It's an amazingly bad idea to say that tonight. Dude, I just imagined myself saying that to my wife and I almost had a panic attack. *****

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On the cruise it was me, her best friend, and her. She got sea sick and literally just laid in bed the entire cruise. I was on a boat, there wasn't a lot else to do so I went and sat at the piano bar and talked music with the pianist. Wasn't much else to do, they didn't even have a Nintendo. She wouldn't of went to the bar with me even if she had felt good, she isn't a bar type of person.

She didn't have concerns, she had "I don't like" syndrome. Those aren't the same thing, she couldn't or wouldn't tell me what she didn't like about it when I asked her about it. I wasn't yelling or letting her know I was bewildered that she said that, I was legitimately asking her to find out why. I am going to find out tonight, and if there is an actual reason, fine. If not, then I will basically tell her "noted and filed in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying 'Beware of the Leopard'." She isn't the government, she doesn't get to just not like things and then I don't get to do them anymore for no reason.

Well if you do drink too much a kid should get that under control for at least the first 6-9 months.
Plus a dd for the 9 months before that

CreamyGoodness said:

Don't listen to paulster, he's Canadian.

And that brings up another interesting point. If she is going into mama-bear mode and making sure, before she has your kid(s) that you are mentally and physically up to the task of being a father, something like how much you drink is going to come into the conversation. Have you had a series of conversations on parenthood?

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Apparently I made a mistake and should of bought a wife in China or Guatemala or something.