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Old 01-14-2011, 04:50 AM   #11
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Bro, I'm so sorry. If you don't mind me asking, do you want to stay with her (romantically), or are you ready to end this?

I know what it feels like bro. It's rough.

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Old 01-14-2011, 05:13 AM   #12
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It's difficult to diagnose a relationship problem through a few paragraphs. I don't know whether the problem here is that she has decided to be a different person, something she didn't like in the relationship became too much, there is some infidelity going on, she feels smothered, etc. Although I could speculate, there's really not a point.

What concerns me is that she doesn't know why she is unhappy with your marriage but she knows she wants to move out and she's going out a lot. That doesn't sound like somebody who wants to works things out with you, that sounds like somebody who isn't invested in the relationship or your feelings. I could be really wrong, but that's how it sounds. She could legitimately want to work things out and that is why she is willing to go to counseling but it could also be a way to keep you strung along until she can financially support herself.

I'm also concerned that you got married and you knew it was going to be difficult. That doesn't really make sense. I mean, look, we all argue and fight with our family, friends, coworkers, etc. but I doubt you speak about your friendships as something you "never expected to be easy".

It sounds like this was a relationship with some fundamental issues to begin with. You can't control what she decides to do going forward and you shouldn't try to bend yourself into a different person to try to convince her to stay. You should do some soul searching and decide if this relationship is really a good place for YOU and what YOU want in your life. Do you get treated the way you desire to be treated? Do you get treated as well as you treat her? Do you want to stay in a situation that you didn't expect to be easy or would your time and energy be better suited to find a better place? Do you feel like you can be yourself and be happy in the relationship?

I'm not advocating that the grass is always greener on the other side, but sometimes people get into relationships and they ignore the glaring problems because they like some parts or feel like they need to be in this relationship. Then they convince themselves that the daily heartache isn't all that bad and everybody else must go through the same thing.

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Old 01-14-2011, 05:32 AM   #13
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I should not have married my practice wife but I had hope that we could make more good times than bad.
One day she told me she thought we should seperate. I thought on it and told her that if I had to leave I wasn't coming back. She had been going out and ramping it up for a while before this happened. THere was no way I was going to let her do what she wanted while I sat around waiting to see what she decided. If this is a possibility in your situation I strongly suggest calling an end to it and move on. A person does not get to have their cake and eat it too. THey are in or they are out. Every time I hear the "I'm just not happy" I think of George Costanza and "Its not you, its me". Its the line of a weak person.
If her parents have a history of bailing her out then she is likely incapable of growing her own happiness and pushing through a hard time. If she was invested she would lean on you and let you help her through what she is feeling. It sems to me she is not as she just wants to walk away.

You know what to do, and you should do it.

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Old 01-16-2011, 05:42 PM   #14
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Thanks, everyone for the suggestions, stories of experience, and other thoughts. I think at this point I'm becoming quite confused as well.

northernlad, the "it's not you, it's me" phrase came to my mind as well.

But I try not to let hard times bring me down.

Thanks again for all the support!

Nic

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Old 01-17-2011, 03:01 AM   #15
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Sounds like what my ex did. Took me two years to recover, but I had a real hard time letting go, and we had kids.

Now I'm in an eight year relationship with a great woman, that's had it's ups and downs. We've separated, and then got back together. Now things are still tough, but we accept each others faults and it's working out just fine!

So there's hope for either option, but if I was still married to my ex, I never would have met SWMBO, and she's a helluva better woman than my ex could ever dream of being!

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Old 01-17-2011, 11:54 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ReverseApacheMaster View Post

What concerns me is that she doesn't know why she is unhappy with your marriage but she knows she wants to move out and she's going out a lot.




I'm also concerned that you got married and you knew it was going to be difficult. That doesn't really make sense. I mean, look, we all argue and fight with our family, friends, coworkers, etc. but I doubt you speak about your friendships as something you "never expected to be easy".

#1 oh she knows why but isn't playing nice
#2 No it sounds like he went in knowing that any marriage is a longterm struggle which is the best way to plan- its never all nice -n- dandy.
I've been with the same girl for 26yrs


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-- get a lawyer.
-- Get control of the credit cards, checking and savings accounts.
-- "Get a Lawyer"!
Get a lawyer asap!

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ANyway, I'll try not to get too detailed but we married in Nov 2009, so a little over a year. I never expected things to be easy and not require work. We had our tiffs and arguments, but rarely anything major.
**** happens and really its best to happen early.

Could have been like this >> guy comes homes and tells his wife of 35yrs he's leaving..... No warning just BAM.

So your still very young and maybe its best in the long run, sucks but **** happens.
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Old 01-17-2011, 01:20 PM   #17
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Hey, sorry to hear it. I am glad to hear your wife is going to counseling with you; that gives reason for hope. But trust me, even if it comes to an end, it does get better. It took me two years to adjust, but I can honestly say that if my ex came to me tomorrow on her knees begging me to come back I would say forget it.

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Old 01-18-2011, 12:39 AM   #18
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Hey, sorry to hear it. I am glad to hear your wife is going to counseling with you; that gives reason for hope. But trust me, even if it comes to an end, it does get better. It took me two years to adjust, but I can honestly say that if my ex came to me tomorrow on her knees begging me to come back I would say forget it.
Mine drunk dialed me and asked me if I was over her. Ten years after...uhhh, pretty much.
That was one of the best days of my life. And to prove how badass my real wife is, she and I both had a good laugh over it.
It does get better. A lot better. Just make sure to learn what lessons are yours.
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Old 01-18-2011, 12:47 AM   #19
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Mine drunk dialed me and asked me if I was over her. Ten years after...uhhh, pretty much.
That was one of the best days of my life. And to prove how badass my real wife is, she and I both had a good laugh over it.
It does get better. A lot better. Just make sure to learn what lessons are yours.
It doesn't help right now, but several of us have mentioned being divorced for a while and being happier than ever. It's hard to believe when you are starting the process of separation, but you will be ok. You'll be better than ok eventually, but even now you'll be ok.

I was married for 16 years the first time. I had two small kids, and was sure I would be single forever. I've been remarried for almost 10 years (but we've been together longer) and happier than ever before.

I'd rather be alone than with someone who's "not happy". Because none of us can ever make another person happy. They are looking for something that no human can provide, and even though we joked about "it's not you, it's me"- that's true. It's NOT you. It's 100% her. She's not happy. It really has nothing to do with you.
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Old 01-20-2011, 09:51 PM   #20
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It doesn't help right now, but several of us have mentioned being divorced for a while and being happier than ever. It's hard to believe when you are starting the process of separation, but you will be ok. You'll be better than ok eventually, but even now you'll be ok.

I was married for 16 years the first time. I had two small kids, and was sure I would be single forever. I've been remarried for almost 10 years (but we've been together longer) and happier than ever before.

I'd rather be alone than with someone who's "not happy". Because none of us can ever make another person happy. They are looking for something that no human can provide, and even though we joked about "it's not you, it's me"- that's true. It's NOT you. It's 100% her. She's not happy. It really has nothing to do with you.
Another good point that has gone through my mind. With the obvious exception of an unstable marriage, I'm honestly pretty happy with myself as a person. She on the other hand is not, and as you've stated, I can't make her or anyone else happy.
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