The Great Bottle Opener Giveaway

Home Brew Forums > Home Brewing Community > General Chit Chat > John Cleese weighs in on American Politics

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-30-2008, 01:27 PM   #1
Bedlam
HBT_SUPPORTER.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Bedlam's Avatar
Recipes 
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: East Tennessee
Posts: 1,085
Liked 52 Times on 35 Posts
Likes Given: 49

Default John Cleese weighs in on American Politics

Note--there is some beer content.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South Af rican beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen.
---------------------------------

(Seen on another forum. No idea if it is really Cleese's work, but I'd like to think so.)

__________________

-------------------------------------
Jill Mc

Bedlam is offline
 
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-30-2008, 01:30 PM   #2
Soulive
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Soulive's Avatar
Recipes 
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: The Middle of NJ
Posts: 4,331
Liked 7 Times on 7 Posts

Default

Haha, he's the man. America, f*ck yeah!

__________________
Cheers!


===================
Green Lane Brewing
===================

Primary = Evan!'s Special Bitter
On Deck = EdWort's Porter / American Amber


EdWort's Haus Pale Ale Count
Soulive is offline
 
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-30-2008, 01:38 PM   #3
Chris_Dog
Orange whip?
HBT_LIFETIMESUPPORTER.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Chris_Dog's Avatar
Recipes 
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 1,519
Liked 3 Times on 3 Posts
Likes Given: 1

Default

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp
__________________
Chris_Dog is offline
 
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-30-2008, 01:41 PM   #4
Rhoobarb
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Rhoobarb's Avatar
Recipes 
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Woodstock, GA
Posts: 3,573
Liked 17 Times on 12 Posts
Likes Given: 2

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bedlam
... No idea if it is really Cleese's work, but I'd like to think so. ...)
I've seen this before and it isn't.
__________________
Rhoobarb is offline
 
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-30-2008, 02:29 PM   #5
howlinowl
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
Recipes 
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 270
Liked 1 Times on 1 Posts

Default

I'm movin' back to Kansas.

__________________
Howlinowl Third World Brewing
Primary 1: Empty
Primary 2: Empty
Secondary 1: Empty
Secondary 2: Empty

On Deck:

On Tap 1: Yuengling Traditional Lager
On Tap 2: Kayumanggi Ale (pronounced "Kai-you-mang-ghe) Tagalog for "Brown"
Various bottles and cans: San Miguel Premium Lager, Flying Dog Mix Pack, Sierra Nevada Brown Ale
howlinowl is offline
 
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-30-2008, 02:51 PM   #6
ohiobrewtus
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
ohiobrewtus's Avatar
Recipes 
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 7,814
Liked 37 Times on 35 Posts
Likes Given: 4

Default

Cleese or not, there's some funny stuff in there!

__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by the_bird
Well, if you *love* it.... again, note that my A.S.S. has five pounds.
ohiobrewtus is offline
 
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-30-2008, 04:51 PM   #7
Orfy
For the love of beer!
HBT_LIFETIMESUPPORTER.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Orfy's Avatar
Recipes 
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Cheshire, England
Posts: 11,853
Liked 68 Times on 52 Posts
Likes Given: 30

Default

I can come collect the money!

__________________
GET THE GOBLIN
Have a beer on me.
Orfy is offline
 
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Reply


Quick Reply
Message:
Options
Thread Tools


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
All politics aside, who is really the more honorable American? McKBrew Debate Forum 38 10-22-2008 05:44 PM
If she weighs the same as a duck, then she's made of wood! EvilTOJ Commercial Brew Discussion 5 04-04-2007 05:32 PM