First, an answer to gstrawn's question, then an update:
How I malted: For the batches that worked, I took about 2 lbs of seed at a time and soaked them in water for 2-3 hours in a large metal bowl. Then, I drained them in a seive and returned them to the bowl, letting them rest without water for 6-8 hrs covered to keep them from drying out too dramatically. Repeat. After repeating once or twice, the seeds had visibly begin to sprout, at which point I just let them grow until the acrospire (that's the little, embryonic plant) grow until it was between 1/2 the length of the seed to the full length. Once it reached that point, I put it in the oven on proof (temp. between 90 and 125degF) for about three days, checking them several times each day to stir them and to let excess moisture out of the otherwise closed environment of the oven. Once they were dry, I cracked them with a KitchenAid attachment on a medium setting.
That's what I did for the pale malt. For crystal, I baked the grains at about 150degF while still green and wet, then raised the temp to about 325 and backed them like cookies until dry and crunchy. I then sprayed them with a bit of water and put them on my father-in-law's smoker for 6 hours on a "tray" made of a metal window screen material, to allow the smoke to penetrate but not to allow the grain to slip through. Once smoked and cooled, I cracked them using the aforementioned KitchenAid attachment.
And for the update: mashing went *perfectly*. I was half-dreading this step, really rather expecting the enzymes to be too low. Starch water was in my nightmares. Instead, the wort drained off at a fairly high gravity, an iodine test showing full conversion! I've now got the beer fermenting in primary using WLP545, churning away happily. This is definitely something I'll do again.
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